Cats Vs. Dogs
October 31st 2006 03:02
CATS vs. DOGS
Dogs and infants are the only creatures highly evolved enough to feel unconditional love.
-Johnny Depp
-Johnny Depp
Normally, Any opinion piece taking a side in a debate as old as mankind which begins with a quote from a Hollywood actor pretty much pitches its credibility to hell from square one. I decided to make an exception in Depp's case. Even if he wasn't a truly magnificent bastard on the screen, I found that quote very thought-provoking.
By now, you have probably guessed where my allegiance lies, but bear with me.
Pro-pet people are inevitably divided into two basic categories – Dog People and Cat People. Of course there are exceptions to this, but it's an excellent rule of thumb to go by. And while some people like both, in my experience the Cat Person/Dog Person rule is like the Beatles and Elvis rule laid outlined by Mia Wallace in one of the out-takes of Pulp Fiction. Everyone likes either the Beatles or Elvis. You can like both, but everyone always likes one or the other more. Same deal, really, with the dichotomy between heavy metal fans - everyone either prefers Metallica or Slayer.
I know plenty of Cat People. In fact, I'm living with two Cat People – not to mention a cat – right now. And in asking Cat People what they like about cats, the answer is usually in the same vein. What I see as arrogance, they see as independence. What I see as a calculated fawning to their owner and benefactor, they see as a show of warmth and affection.
Cat People's view of Dog People is similar, in a way, but turned on its head. Dogs are very excitable and affectionate, which Cat People construe as mindless subservience. You can give commands to a dog, call it, get it to fetch etc. It's probably possible to do it with cats as well, but I'll be damned if I know anyone who's figured it out. If you discipline a dog – yell at it, hit it, whatever – it will cower at your feet in a pretty pathetic fashion. Anyone who's ever owned a dog is under no illusions about the origin of the term “puppy dog eyes”. On the other hand, a cat will just become standoffish, twitch its tail and stalk out of the room.
As one friend of mine succinctly put it - “You have to earn a cat's respect.”
That, I think, is the crux of the matter – that's the watershed, the fork in the road, that's where it all breaks down. I think that all of us – Cat and Dog People alike – can agree that a cat's respect must be earned. The difference is that Dog People don't think that's a good thing.
I can see the opinion that some people are disgusted by a creature which will always crawl on its belly back to you no matter how much you mistreat it. But that's just a small symptom of a larger fact about dogs, that their love for you is unconditional. I don't think for one moment that your cat would hesitate to cruise out the door and find food and warmth somewhere else if you dropped dead in front of it. That curling around your legs, that persistent mewling, oh, it repulses me. I don't see any love in a cat's actions, but a calculated ass-kissery that it uses to manipulate people. Cats have their masters wrapped around their sinisterly twitching tails.
What's with that, anyway? It looks like a psychotic's facial tic. I could never love a cat, it's a sinister goddamned animal. With those watchful eyes, that reserved, padding demeanor, and that spooky co-ordination. The cat is the ninja of the animal kingdom, and who wants THAT in a pet? It's creepy and weird. There is a reason that ninjas were not known socialites.
A dog is always happy to see you, and a cat couldn't give a fuck less unless it was hungry. Back home, our little dog was always getting fed next door, and better food. But he'd still come tearing into the yard like a mad bastard when he heard someone arrive home. I've never seen a cat give a more enthusiastic greeting than a staccato series of whining meows in front of its food dish.
Another thing with cats is that you can't give them orders. Cat People see this as another extension of their vaunted “independence”. To that I say, what the hell is wrong with you? I tell a cat not to eat my dinner or sleep on my clothes, it can just goddamned well obey me or be sold to the nearest Chinese restaurant for beer money. Who do they think they are?! I am a superior fucking life form. My ancestors crawled out of the ooze before yours, tough shit, you will have to agree to a few basic ground rules. To put it another way, imagine this scenario: you meet someone who is telepathic, telekinetic, psychokinetic, precognitive, and postcognitive. They're like a human being, but very highly evolved, much moreso than you. If they asked you not to piss on their dining room rug, would you do it anyway?
Dogs can be annoying. I don't like all dogs, and I don't like any dog all the time. But with all their faults, I'd still take a dog over a cat, because if I'm going to devote my time and money to sheltering and feeding a creature to be my companion, I demand a little respect in return. And the thing about cats is, I don't believe you can ever earn their respect. I don't think a cat has respect. It just has degrees of indifference.
Bang.
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Comment by Anonymous
2. Cats dont slobber or jump all over you constantly
3. Cats dont howl at the moon
4. Cats dont knock everything over whilst trying to get from point A to point B
5. Cats make excellent bed warmers, without getting dirt, mud, dog smell and whatever else dogs carry on them
6. Cats are Cuter
7. earning a cats affection is a greater achievement than earning that of a dog's
oh and my friends cat is very affectionate, whenever she is out of the house it is constantly looking out of the window awaiting their return.. you can also teach certain cats to fetch or walk on leads.. but most are too smart or independant to allow this
Comment by Eamon~
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
2. Neither do all dogs. It's a training issue, and once again, I accept that flaw as it's the way a dog shows affection.
3. Aren't you thinking of werewolves?
4. Neither do dogs. You know, a lot of these points don't make a lot of sense.
5. If you need something to keep your bed warm, I recommend electric blankets. I'm looking for a pet, not a manchester appliance.
6. Subjective, EVEN if that's what you're looking for in a pet.
7. If you'll read the last part of the piece, I think I covered that. I don't buy something and look after it to EARN its affection. I'm happy to see my pet, I expect the same response, in return, from the start. You cat owners are emotional masochists.
- Eamon, I hadn't looked at it that way, but now you mention it, you do look for traits in a pet that you like in a friend. Kudos to you.
Comment by Anonymous
2. you havent proven me wrong, every time i visit my friend his dog slobbers all over me its disgusting
3. my dogs howl about a million times every night
4. dogs are less open or aware of their surrounding environments and hence have no regard for expensive vases on pillars and such
5. electric blankets can kill
6. http://photos.linux.hp.com/albums/userpics/10034/normal_gm1.jpg
7. dogs are braindead and will make friends with your enemies
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
2. If you're too lazy to train your pet not to jump on people, then don't get a pet. Also, would you listen to yourself? "omg slobber gross lol", I mean really, who fuckin' cares. It's a bodily fluid, your mouth is full of it.
3. Not my goddamn fault you can't discipline your pets. And if you hate dogs so much, then you shouldn't have any.
4. I make a point of keeping animals away from Ming vases and crystal chandeliers, irrespective of species. I'm clumsier than any dog I have ever seen, and I don't wander around blindly bumping into things.
5. That's actually a really good point. If your bed is unbearably cold and you have an irrational paranoia about the chances of an electric blanket catching fire or electrocuting you, then getting a cat is definitely the next logical step, and that wasn't a dumb argument at all.
6. I didn't go to that link, because I refuse to waste my bandwidth on pictures of kittens posted by people who are petrified of electric blankets. It's just a matter of general principle, don't take it personally.
7. Your enemies? Like The Joker and Lex Luthor? What are these people doing at your house in the first place?
Comment by Anonymous
2. no matter how trained some dogs are theyre always going to get over excited every now and then and jump around and slobber etc, especially in a puppy/young stage.. they rack a disiprin!
3. we have about 2 bajillion dogs and ones barking as i type this message at 3.50 am... they are generally well behaved animals sure, and very classy expensive purebreed animals... they just cant help themselves, especially in packs! its instinct
4. dogs are like children and need child-safe furniture to avoid them being destructive.. whether they mean to do it or not
5. ELECTRIC BLANKETS KILL!
6. click the fucking link
7. i am an internet warrior
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
Comment by Anonymous
Impressive writing Mr. Bang.
Comment by Cat
Dazza's mate was driving along a quiet suburban street when this little dash of blurred fur runs out into the road and BANG, he's bloody killed something.
He pulls over and gets out of the car to find a cat lying in the gutter, still breathing. So being a kind, sensible soul, decides to put it out of its misery. Getting a wrench out from the back of his ute, Dazza's mate then proceeds to crush the poor little fuckers scull, gets back into his ute and drives off.
Unnoticed by Dazza's mate is the little old lady at the window of the house he has pulled up in front of, in tears, on the phone to the police.
A ways down the road Dazza's mate is pulled up by the police asking him about his serial cat-beating tendencies. He rationally explains what happened, and the cops believe him, asking only to check the front of his car to confirm his story.
The cop takes a look at Dazza's mates' bonnet, then asks him to get out and come take a look.
Grusomely wedged in the grill of Dazza's mates ute is the original dead cat.
(DOGS RULE, CATS DROOL - Even if we share the same name.. stupid fuckers...)
Comment by Whislter's Mother
Comment by CATS RULE DOGS DROOL (MEOW MEOW!)
Comment by CATS RULE DOGS DROOL (MEOW MEOW!)
Comment by CATS RULE DOGS DROOL (MEOW MEOW!)
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by CATS RULE DOGS DROOL (MEOW MEOW!)
Comment by Anonymous
I am bored