Metal Gear Solid - The Movie
November 2nd 2006 12:45
Metal Gear Solid – The Movie
It came to my attention yesterday that they are turning Metal Gear Solid into a movie. My reaction to this news is best described as “mildly horrified”.
If you don't know what Metal Gear Solid is, then you probably need to take a serious look at your life right now. Probably the most awesome videogame series of all time (not counting Doom, of course), starring Solid Snake, who is one seriously dangerous son of a bitch. With assloads of cinematic content and storylines that twist like pretzels in some psychotic baker's wet dream, the movie transition was perhaps inevitable.
It's true, videogame-to-movie transitions are a lot better nowadays. Look at the Silent Hill and Resident Evil adaptations compared to the bad old days of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat II (don't get me started on that Doom piece of shit though. As a Doom freak, I refused to see it on general principle). There are a few reasons for this. One is that computer technology is far more advanced now than it was ten years ago, and the games themselves are far more indepth and plot-driven, hence easier to adapt to film. Another is that the videogame market is expanding at a pretty enormous rate, and nowadays videogame adaptations actually pull in money if executed properly. Also, I assume that some executives at film studios are just pulling their heads out of their asses and agreeing over their decaf soy lattes and bottles of Evian that Jean-Claude Van Damme should never be cast in any movie, about anything, ever.
As of yet, no details have been announced regarding the MGS film. It's going to be live-action, not CGI, which means that casting speculation can now begin. I've been doing some thinking, and here are my nominations.
Solid Snake – This is a fucking bastard of a question. I have racked my brains all day, but Snake is one of those larger-than-life characters that you know can never be perfectly adapted by anyone. If I was forced to make a judgement based on the facial features, the physique, and the gravelly voice, I would say Tom Jane, who played the lead in The Punisher.
Liquid Snake – Liquid was the only character in the game who was as cool as Solid Snake. He had a venomous, black-humoured British charisma which reminded me a little of an evil version of Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow, from Pirates Of The Carribean. Perhaps Sean Bean (Boromir from the Lord Of The Rings trilogy) could do him justice, although he may be a little long in the tooth.
Revolver Ocelot – This is another tough one. Ocelot's razor-sharp menace – not to mention his spaghetti-western aesthetic and combat style – is pure Clint Eastwood...twenty years ago. So I guess I'm stumped.
Psycho Mantis – I'm not the first one to say it, but I'd probably nominate Marilyn Manson. I don't even know if Manson can act (though I'm told he can) but he is pale, skinny and crazy-looking enough to do the part well. The bastard looks like he was BORN to wear a gas mask.
Sniper Wolf – A sexy, deadly blonde assassin would probably default to Kate Beckinsdale or Charlize Theron.
Vulcan Raven – There is only one guy I can think of in the world who is huge and black enough to play the enormous shaman, and that is Michael Clark Duncan, who played John Coffey in “The Green Mile”, alongside Tom Hanks.
Decoy Octopus – Since he is a master of disguise and hardly ever actually appears as himself, it probably wouldn't matter worth half a shit who played him, but based on the concept art I've seen, it looks like Clive Owen (from Sin City, Inside Man and Children Of Men) would be a good choice.
Hal Emmerich (Otacon) – A skinny, nerdy, goofy white guy with long hair and an unstylish “I can't be bothered shaving because I'm too busy playing World Of Warcraft” sort of beard. Seth Green, maybe?
Cyborg Ninja/Grey Fox – Once again, Fox never takes off his mask, so it hardly matters. In that case, it should be Dolph Lundgren, because Dolph Lundgren rules all over the place.
Colonel Roy Campbell – I really like Martin Sheen for this role, especially if you've seen his military stylings in Apocalypse Now.
Meryl Silverburgh – No matter how long I think about it, I just can't come up with anyone for Meryl. Some hot young redhead. Your thoughts?
Naomi Hunter – A young, sexy, intelligent English brunette? It could only be Keira Knightley.
Mei Ling – No opinion, Mei Ling is lame.
Master Miller – A tough-ass survival master who sounds like a cocky, obnoxious Yankee prick. Christian Bale's performance as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho makes me think he would be good as Miller.
Nastasha Romanenko – Milla Jovovich would be perfect for the svelte Ukrainian nuclear arms specialist .
Donald Anderson – This guy screams “Danny Glover” to me.
Kenneth Baker – Being a fat capitalist fuck who promptly keels over and dies, I would recommend Kerry Packer, but it seems that he beat Baker to the punch.
This is a list of all the MGS characters from the videogame edition, including concept art, although if you didn't already know who they are you probably don't give a shit. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Metal_Gear_Solid_characters
Here are some other suggestions for videogame-to-movie adaptations, and some actors who would be well suited for the lead roles.
Pac-Man: Kirstey Alley is the only person nowadays who is round enough to nail that Pac-Man physique.
Pong: I think that if you want a skinny white plank that doesn't move or say anything, you can't go wrong with Keanu Reeves.
Doom: Forget the chickenshit travesty with that steroid-chowing pro wrestler in it. Give me Arnold (or Dolph Lundgren), by himself, with a chainsaw and a double-barrelled shotgun, just getting real mad and annihilating the evil demon masses. Plenty of testosterone and consciously bad one-liners, in spades. They should probably also smoke a fat Cuban cigar at all times. Hell yeah.
I would really like to hear the thoughts of the masses on this topic. So if you're a big MGS fan - or even if you're just a movie nerd and have visited the link showing the list of characters (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Metal_Gear_Solid_characters) then please throw some ideas around.
I believe it may be time to start getting heavy with you bastards, so my next post might be the first instalment of a story I'm writing. I think it's a Western, so Clint Eastwood fans rejoice. It revolves around an American drifter whose life takes a very strange turn when he happens across a small town with a rather unusual black market trade.
Bang.
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Comment by TonyK
AFL Central
Comment by Justin
Cinematrix
Roy Campbell = Dennis Hopper
Gray Fox = the guy who played Darth Maul
Hal Emmerich or Otacon = James Spader
Liquid Snake = Kiefer Sutherland (sorry, had to do it)
Meryl = Jennifer Jason Leigh
Master Miller = Val Kilmer
Comment by Joy
Comment by Anonymous
they should make a movie of the game "The Godfather" that game is awesome!
Comment by Chantal
Thought your description of Marilyn Manson was rather apt though!
Anonymous, tell me you've played Mario Party!!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
- Can't dig your nomination of Ray Liotta. I do like Ray, but I don't think he has any characteristics in common with Snake at all.
- Hopper is a good suggestion. I still think I'd pick Sheen though...Campbell was a good man, and Hopper just always seems to goddamn sinister. I don't think he can HELP being sinister.
- Sure, you never saw Darth Maul out of his paint either, why not?
- I don't know who James Spader is, I'll look him up.
- I don't think Kiefer has the look, the physique, or the charisma. Liquid Snake had a personality ten feet tall.
- JJL might be a bit old, I think...in the game, Meryl was only about 20 or so.
- Kilmer is an excellent suggestion, my hat goes off to you. In fact, I'm switching my Master Miller nomination to Kilmer.
Comment by Justin
Cinematrix
Maybe switch Ray Liotta for Christian Bale on second thoughts. If Matthew McConaughey or John Corbett was tougher, maybe.
Sheen is good but getting really long in the tooth these days.
Maybe try an unknown for Meryl then. Anyone but Keira Knightley though. ANYONE!
Comment by J-Dogg
Comment by Connor
Middle Class Guilt
I've come up with what I think is a better idea for Liquid Snake - Daniel Craig, who is the new James Bond. He has the look, the svelte personality, and best of all - he's a Pom! He gets my vote.
*I'd just like to clarify that that was not an attack on Christian Bale, I love that guy. I don't think he's right for the part though.
Comment by ChrisM
oh and btw, in regards to christian bale being beefy, he did drop a huge amount of weight fairly recently to play a role in a movie called the machinist.
dont agree with the daniel craig thing, he is far too bland for liquid. you need someone you love to loathe, craig would merely make you slightly irritated. like a combination of kevin spacey from seven/usual suspects and jason statham.